Checking in.
Sitting in the coffee shop. They are playing Drake. Get it together. I cannot concentrate since I love this track and it reminds me of the joyful moments I often spend in my bedroom before going out. Tipsy. Feeling my damp and soft skin pulsate after a hot shower. Wondering what to wear. Drops of water shooting from my long hair straight to my tailbone. Probably shouting some random thoughts to my roommate. Her, probably shouting some back at me as well. The thick plaster walls make it difficult to understand each other when we are both immersed in our rooms.
Last night, I decided to stay inside, despite everyone I know venturing out into the night. I have been dealing with quite a lot of pain lately. My body is not following, it is tired. Time to take a pause. My emotions are taking over and making me feel sick and heavy and weak. I am nauseous a lot of the time, been on the verge of fainting a couple of times now. It is all some sort of self-inflicted, unavoidable somatic healing.
During the spring, I dealt with a lot of sadness related to the end of a long-term romantic relationship. As the weather transitioned into summer, I did quite a lot of travelling. I was presented with an amazing opportunity to distract myself from the situation and understand My Self outside of the fictional four walls that we sometimes build to exist with someone else. It is quite easy to lose yourself when you’re partnered with someone. Like two drops of watercolour paint swimming in the same cup of water. An entangled mess. I had become him, in a way, and I realize how angry it made me feel that he got to run away with a part of me as well.
Not everything was sad though. I was able to get closer to my girlfriends and also able to explore some feelings that have been boiling inside me for quite some time now. I laughed a lot. Reconnected with my family. Spent a lot of time alone and writing and reading. I felt extremely grateful to be alive, and I still do.
A lot of things did not go as planned. Like, a lot. I am now not only left with the pain of detaching from that long relationship, but also from some short love occurrences. It is the price to pay when you get so consumed in romance. Euphoric feelings of infatuation or whatever. Though as time passes I realize it did go beyond fleeting excitement. Oh well.
Anyway, on a different note, my relationship with myself is quite strong. Every day I feel more me, which is the gift of growing up and figuring things out in my own body. I can slowly understand where I am going, so I feel comfortable moving around with my eyes closed. This has been, ironically, eye-opening. I am going slow, don’t worry. I am being gentle in my healing and I hope you are as well. We are all navigating something we must heal after all, right? I am happy to see myself every morning, and I often catch myself smiling at my reflection in the mirror. I invite you to tell nice things to yourself. It is awesome and quite life-changing.
Fixations:
Like Lana said in The Blackest Day:
All I hear is Billie Holiday
It's all that I play
She just has a way of making me hone in my melancholy but in a subtle and delicate way. I love her. She is the best. She looks out for me.
I am so utterly in love with her work. Here are some of my favourites:
You can read more about her here: https://www.moma.org/artists/7488
432HZ Healing frequencies while I sleep
This look from Paloma Wool SS23
This is nothing special. But that’s what I like about it. I have been lounging at home in similar clothing so I guess I feel somehow represented.
Neville Godard, Joe Dispenza, Julia Cameron…
Yeah I am reading and listening to self-help audiobooks to see if I can heal my brain this way. I am still going to therapy once a week, too. I am putting in the work. Or I am trying, or so I tell myself.
Also, I just hit 900 subscribers, thank you so much!!! Sending you endless love and positive energies. You really have supported me in this journey and I am now less afraid to share my thoughts in here.
Take care. Talk soon.
I binge read all your Substack in 40 uninterrupted minutes. Officially a fan
Beautiful ❤️