Lovingly

The tiny speckles of frozen rain dance beautifully in the air. But they are hidden, only detectable to my eye when I stare at the lamppost outside my apartment. It’s biting cold. I woke up this morning to a text from my mom saying to dress accordingly and stay warm. January has been uncomfortable, dry, and frozen. Outside, it’s unbearable. Inside, it’s quite nice. I made sure.

At the end of today's session, my therapist told me that I was speaking to him from summer despite it being -25 and the middle of winter. (This sounded more meaningful in Spanish; it brought tears to my eyes). He was referring to my inner warmth, my warm state of mind. I felt this beaming fire in the center of my chest.

I arrived at the session with what I thought was a fully developed theory of feeling. Looking to share it with someone and see it reflected back at me through his reaction. I was encouraged to break the thought apart just to put it all back together—kind of how it originally was. He said the mind is like a muscle and that the way we process (or not) things subconsciously corresponds to the weight and effort we can take at the moment. The mind intuitively works to protect you.

Today, I was presented with an uncomfortable feeling. I let it wander around my body all day, festering from my stomach and coming up my throat to find shelter in my cheeks. I was angry and sad at the same time. It was good to feel so intensely. The comedown is always enjoyable—that feeling of calm following the storm. Serenity.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Every day, I wake up and try to forgive the people who have hurt me. I climb the stair machine at the gym for 45 minutes, listening to people on YouTube talk about Gratitude and Self-respect, and I start crying. I feel tender and emotional in a very controlled way. I’ve never felt this in control, actually. I reflect on the concept of the brain as a muscle and realize I am getting stronger, but as I feel confident in my ability to carry more weight, I start getting sore again. I need my rest days.

I am cherishing my female friendships like never before. They have saved my life this past year, and they know it. I love them. I love them so much. I hope you have someone to love, too. I’m hoping you have love within yourself. I hope you find it. Sometimes, it’s hiding behind an incredible amount of dust and random objects in your heart. When you find it, place it at the forefront. Let it shine through your chest everywhere you go. Keep it in mind in all you do. Grieve lovingly. Fight lovingly. Cry lovingly. Get over someone lovingly. Dream lovingly. Love lovingly. Love.

Do it. I love you.